A letter to Cooky
You would have become thirteen years this week. I’m so sad that you didn’t make it. Your birthday is why I’m struggling so much this week. Life feels so empty without you, my crony, in it. I just miss you so much. I miss burying my face in your pelt. I miss listening to the sound of your purr. I miss your meow for cuddles. I miss the feeling of intense love and understanding when you were near me. I miss coming home late at night and sitting next to you for hours. It always felt like therapy for me. Thinking about my horrible past whilst sitting next to you. You were there for me through it all. From the little things as being sick as a teenager to the big things as breaking free from my parents and abusive ex boyfriend. You gave me unconditional love where my parents couldn’t.
Somewhere in my traumatic past I stopped crying. I’ve not been able to cry for nine years. I’ve tried multiple therapies to be able to cry again. Nothing seemed to help. I didn’t understand why but when I sniffed my nose you always would meow and lay down, ready for me to cuddle you. I broke down in tears last year while cuddling you. I found out then that when I cry I also sniff my noise. That’s why you always would meow and lay down because you thought I was crying and wanted to be there for me. Ever since you’ve been gone I can cry again. Cry about things that really matter, like losing you. You understood me better that I understand myself or anyone else understands me. I know it’s selfish but I’m so scared about how I can live life without you. I love, love, love you so much!
I’ve been postponing writing this letter to you. I knew I would break. The pain is unbearable. The void in my heart feels like it’s going to be there for ever. In the end the tears catched up with me anyway. Tears seem to boiling up no matter what I try this week. I don’t really mind crying about losing you. You deserve every single tear.
People sometimes ask if I want a new cat. I hate that question because who could ever replace you? I want you back so desperately which wouldn’t be fair for some other cat. Other cats will never live up to such high expectations.
I finally know the right way to remember you, as you deserve. You’re name will be tattooed on my body so I can keep you as close as I can, for ever.
My precious Cooky Poekie, I hope somewhere in the universe you will receive these words. Know that I will be eternally grateful for all you have done. I will always love you.
Koeskoes your soul mate Elio!
Pictures by Desiré van den Berg